Friday, February 3, 2012

Forging Elite Sarcasm

About Your Female Body Issues…

Ladies, there’s something that the non-bat shit crazy people in your life have been wanting to tell you: your fucking body issues are all in your goddamn heads. And the men in your life are sick of fucking hearing about them. Let me break it down.
We know. You’re not skinny enough. Or you’re too tall. Or short. Your ass sags. Your complexion is off. You have a belly. Your tits aren’t big enough. Whatev. We don’t seriously care.
You tend to bitch about what the media portrays as an ideal look and body type for women. Magazine covers, movies, TV, that kind of horseshit. What you don’t realize is that guys could give a fuck about any of it. We don’t let outside influences distort our view of hotness. We judge it the old fashioned way: we get wood. That’s it. Caveman shit.

So when I go on Facebook and see bullshit like this, and a few thousand people “like” it, I wonder where the fucking breakdown is:

When the lights are out, you’re all 10′s.
Let’s be honest: the Strong is the New
Slutty craze caught on because so many women are incapable of actually being skinny. Don’t lie, if you could, you would. So instead you get hot by working out (rightly so), except you feel the need to justify it to other women. But why the fuck do you care what some anorexic bitch thinks of you?
You know what’s really hot? Not being fucking neurotic. Men fucking love that.
Also, plastic surgery is the shit. Any woman whose self-esteem is so low that she’d pay thousands of dollars and have herself cut open in the name of increasing hotness is exactly the kind slut you want to take home for a one nighter. Plus the fake tits stick out like, well, fake tits, so they’re easy as fuck to spot. Win win.

You don’t come here to meet your soul mate anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we can see you for who you are on the inside just as easily as we can on the outside. It’s easier, actually. If you respond positively to trite, incoherent marketing babble like this:

Then you’re probably an overly self-conscious dipshit incapable of having meaningful and stress-free relationships anyway. You’ll settle for some CrossDouche.

There’s no Hate here. Seriously. If this is you, un-fuck your head. Being sane is hot as fuck.
“Stop buying T shirts and start getting your shit together.”

Unless they’re my T shirts. Buy the fuck out of those.